I arrived home with a single focus — I need to know what MS is and I need to know it now.
My wife was understandably very upset and worried. I know how much she loves me, and I her. I found myself apologizing for this diagnosis. Over and over again I apologized. We hugged and I apologized again for the terrible news. Suddenly I had failed her as a husband and a father. My mind, affected by numb legs and feet, went straight to worse-case scenario. Based on the little information I had, I figured she may be better off without me. A diagnosis of MS was just too much for her to continue a relationship with this broken human being. I found myself apologizing again.
My thinking was definitely, temporarily, fogged. This can get worse. My life as it is — is over.
We hugged for a very long time. Very long hugs for me can be uncomfortable, but not this one. It was full. It was a hug full of love, and understanding. It was the type of hug where every little squeeze was hint of reassurance. It made you understand everything is going to eventually be okay. Not better, but okay. It was a hug that told me this MS is a new challenge, and we will deal with it, as a team. We will make it work no matter the outcome. Somewhere in there I was still mindlessly apologizing to her.
“Stop apologizing,” she said, sternly.
“Oh. sorry.”
That was enough for me. I stopped apologizing for now —I am so Canadian. I am a bit out of my head. I put it back on straight and went to research what exactly is MS, and to find out what the future holds for me.
As neither of us knew anything about Multiple Sclerosis I had asked her to do some research while I drove home. A search of MS on the infant Web of the time revealed scant information. However, what information was available was grim. Detailed information about the illness spoke to how it will affect a person diagnosed. I found the explanation where MS is an unpredictable disease that can affect balance and coordination, weakness, vision problems, mood changes and cognitive difficulties. That’s the short list. All can be temporary, some can be permanent, and each has comes with its unique complexity. It also comes in three different forms. Relapsing-remitting, Progressive MS, and Progressive-Relapsing. After reading the list and a review of my symptoms coupled with there was no warning this was coming, I fit into the relapsing-remitting category.
I scoured the web for everything I could find. The internet was becoming interesting, but not life-consuming. It was 2004, the birth year of the infant version of Facebook. Google was six-years-old. YouTube was a year away. In there were some very enlightening stories of people who have overcome the challenge of the dis-ease. I read a story of an elderly Italian man who spent life working his fields in the Italian countryside. Upon his death an autopsy found that he had scarring indicative of MS. He never knew it, nor showed symptoms. I found people who were living completely normal lives with MS.
I have always tried to approach challenges in my life with a positive attitude. After reading many stories of those who live (ab)normal lives with MS, I figured I will as well. I can’t let this define me. Besides, I learned that one glance inside my inner workings is not a true diagnosis.
Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself.
A true diagnosis requires a medical history and a neurological exam in the diagnostic process of MS. MRI and the occasional lumbar puncture, area few of the tests that are useful in confirmation when a diagnosis of MS is suspected. The diagnosis of MS must include evidence of disease activity separated by time. The diagnosis requires evidence of lesions that formed at different points in time and space. The lesions will be in at least two separate areas of the central nervous system. Because of this it can take a while to confirm a diagnosis. There is no one test that can be used as a diagnosis of MS. Diagnosis of MS is made only once other potential causes for symptoms have been ruled out.
Well, now, that’s interesting. My numb nipples just perked up. There’s hope that this is something other than MS. Maybe I have Lime Disease. I stripped in front of my computer and checked myself for wood ticks. My medical history is unremarkable with the exception of suffering through six months of hell with Mononucleosis. I was 20 living in Regina going to University. I had an apartment shared with a roommate. I worked through the winter part-time at KFC, and my roommate worked the night shift at Safeway. So I worked a lot and studied very little. I stressed about everything. Mono is all I needed – I lost 20 pounds in a week. A walk to the bathroom sent me to bed for eight hours. I found some discussion online that Mono can be a trigger for MS.
I need a second opinion and I need to feel my legs.
On The Road With MS 