A few words and a couple of measly brochures with information about MS. I vaguely remember him saying there’s no cure, and to get my affairs in order. I grab my cellphone and call home and tell my wife how my day went, and what the doc told me. I have a bit of a breakdown on the phone. I tell my wife I will see her soon then close my flip phone. Even though it’s just 75 kilometres, the drive feels like it’s never going to end. I stop on the side of the road to look at the brochures I had tossed on the passenger seat. I shuffle them around, thumb through a couple, not really reading anything. I place them down on the seat then mindlessly stare out the window. I glance at the brochures again. I feel confusion and anger welling up inside me. I seem to remember the doc saying that there needs to be more tests to confirm diagnosis. But, “get your affairs in order,” sounds like a diagnosis to me.
What just happened? One day I’m happy and healthy, now, out of the blue, this lands in my lap…
He gave me brochures. Comforting.
Get your affairs in order?
I glance again at the brochures. I question the doc’s bedside manner. A few rushed words attached to a lifelong sentence of MS. I try to think if I know anyone who has MS. The dispatcher’s mom, who I don’t know, is the only person I’ve heard of that has MS. I have questions. I want to know everything about MS. NOW. I want to talk to somebody who has experience with this. The doc says get your affairs in order. What does that even mean? My chest, legs and feet are numb. I walk and function just fine so it can’t be as bad as “get your affairs in order.” I suppose, based on what the doc said, it could get worse. But, will it. I glance again at the brochures. What is MS? I thumb through the brochures again. There are words on the pages that string together in sentences. I’m sure all those sentences and fancy graphics mean something. I’m looking, but not reading or comprehending anything on the pages. I need to talk to somebody. MS? What is it? Why do I have it? How did I get it? Who’s to blame? Overwhelmed by my thoughts. I toss the brochures back on the seat and stare out the window again. I’m staring through misty eyes.
Why me?
Everything is going to be okay. After all, I have my brochures of comfort. After a few minutes I put the car back in drive. Travelling down the highway I begin to think of home, work, my wife and our girls. How will this affect our lives and what does the future look like. Will I be able to function properly in this world? My daughter is too young to lose her father. I’m too young, at 37, to stop working and functioning in society. I’m going to have to stop working. Good grief, I love my job and don’t want to lose it. This is too much to comprehend.
I pull over again into another roadside hideout. I pick up the unread brochures in effort to gain some understanding into my possible diagnosis.I collect my thoughts and focus. What I understand is that MS is an autoimmune disorder where the body’s immune system attacks the myelin sheath. I learn that the myelin sheath is fatty material that acts as protective outer layer that wraps around nerve fibres. When the body attacks sections of the sheath it leaves the nerve exposed. The exposed nerve then has trouble sending signals from the brain to affected parts of the body. In mechanical terms I think of a wire that has been stripped bare midway, and the transmission of the electrical signal is affected when the bare section is touched or manipulated. When I was a teen I had old truck which I installed a stereo using old wiring. The sound crackled a lot because there was a lot of bare spots on the wiring. MS is my crackly old speakers.
MS comes in various forms, and can affect each individual in differently. I learn it can progress very slowly, and sometimes an individual may forget that the dis-ease is within. I think the authors of the brochures chose to leave out worst-case scenarios.
It was at this point that I decided that this, while troubling, will not get me. I then completed my drive home to discuss this in greater detail with my wife.
On The Road With MS 